Mother’s Day is celebrated around the world, although on different dates. Most Americans are familiar with the history of the day. Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in 1908, then went on to begin a campaign to set aside a day to honor all mothers. However, she always wanted the day to remain focused on celebrating your own mom, because Anna believed that your mother was “the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world.”
It’s true that your mom gave life to you. And yet, not all moms continue to care for their children. Mother’s Day can be brutal for people who have mothers who don’t fit the ideal notion of a parent. With all the happy thoughts around you on Mother’s Day, what do you do when you don’t have that loving mom?
Make Plans for Mother’s Day
What are your options? First, you can simply choose not to celebrate. Make a decision that you don’t have to be emotionally swayed by the messages of sending flowers or taking mom out to brunch. It’s going to be hard to avoid all the advertisements, but you can. How many ads for new cars do you see each day? When you can’t afford a new car, do you get upset every time one comes on? Think of Mother’s Day commercials just like a new car ad. On Mother’s Day, just do what you’d do if it were any other Sunday. It might not be easy the first time you plan to do this, but with practice you can.
You might choose to honor another woman in your life. Maybe it’s an aunt, grandma, or even just a friend. You know the woman who has been like a mother to you. Better yet, find someone else who is alone on Mother’s Day for whatever reason. Make a decision about celebrating or not, but spend the day together. Take flowers to someone you know who doesn’t have anyone else.
Celebrate with your kids or nieces and nephews. Teach the kids in your life to honor their own parents. Help a child buy a present for his/her mom. Remember the joy in shopping for someone you love? Give that gift to forget about the void in your life. Explain to that child why Mother’s Day is important, because mom may be apprehensive in asking for gifts or special favors from their child.
Find Healing for Your Life
Forgiveness does not mean accepting further victimization. You are free to forgive your mom or not. Deal with your mom or not. Do what is best for your own mental health. The bitterness you feel may be justified, but don’t let the anger toward your mother disrupt your own enjoyment of life. Essentially, you have to find a way to manage your past memories without letting them affect your future. You have to move on and remember that it is her who lost out on a relationship with you.
There are some great books that help adult children deal with abusive moms (and dads.) A therapist might be in order to help you move forward and not perpetuate the cycle of abuse with your own kids. Many times, children who were abused grow up and don’t know how to set boundaries with others. You may need to learn better behaviors for your own relationships. This doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with your mom.
Mother’s Day can be difficult for many people. It’s not just those who have abusive parents. It’s also for women who want to be a parent but have infertility problems. Maybe your mother just passed away. Don’t feel obliged to explain to anyone why you’re having mixed emotions about Mother’s Day. Take care of yourself on the second Sunday in May.